This is how New Year's Eve started last night:
This is how I found things when I woke up this morning:
And no, I couldn't talk Jack out of cleaning up after them... I'm meaner than he is, and less of a clean freak. (ha) I was willing to let it sit there until they woke up. ;-) Guess they're just lucky to have such a good dad. :)
And so another year comes to a close and another one stretches out before me. I don't feel like this past couple of weeks has been too terribly hectic, but I still find myself screeching into this new year without any big plans. Honestly, right now, as I sit in my mess of an office, if I could just get this room cleaned out, I would be happy for a long time with just that. :)
What has been on my mind the last few days are thoughts and images from the movie Les Miserables. I've seen it twice now in the span of a week and would probably go see it again right now if you asked me. I thought I might get a little bored the second time through, but I didn't at all. It's just so full of depth and emotion and pain and truths and redemption... as Lisa said the other night, "It's amazing what you can learn in a couple of hours at the movies..." I just find it intriguing to see how different characters react to both desperate circumstances as well as unbelievable grace and forgiveness. For some it changes them for the good; for others it brings them to despair. Looking at Jean Valjean, the grace extended to him brings him to his knees in brokenness over his sin and repentance and changes him into a humble, honest, and giving man. But as grace is extended, more than once, to Javert, his pride in what he has always thought to be true and his faith in the rule of God's law allow him no room for his own failings and no room for the forgiveness being offered.
I would like to think that I see myself most in Jean Valjean - and perhaps that is my desire for the year ahead, to learn from what I saw in his character. But this last year, I think, has been a bit of an exercise in living in the mind of Javert. Doubts, questions, and challenges to what I have believed most of my life have come at me from every side, it seems. I have been rethinking a lot of things and this line from one of Javert's songs comes to mind:
"And must I now begin to doubt, who never doubted all these years? My heart is stone and still it trembles. The world I have known is lost in shadows."
Thankfully, I do not feel the despair at this point that Javert gives in to. But it has been a hard road that has spun me around, frightened me at times, angered me, made me cynical in some ways, made me cry, and I know I've worried and hurt and annoyed family and friends along the way.
There is good news though. :) The soul-searching and willingness to ask the hard questions have led me to a place of learning to find peace within the tension of not having all the answers. This is NOT easy for someone like me who likes to fix everything and everyone and always have a solution waiting in the wings. BUT, I am finding myself less in need of control. Less in need of living other people's lives for them. Less in need of knowing what the 'plan' is.
This verse is taking on new meaning in light of all of this:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:33-34)
What I am more in need of now is discovering ways to seek first God's kingdom and righteousness in my own life - not waiting on anyone else (or any other church or organization, for that matter) to do it for me. Asking the question, "Where has God put me right now that I can work together with Him to, as my favorite preacher of the moment likes to say, bring a little bit of heaven down to earth?"
When I look back at the character of Jean Valjean, that's what he did. He brought compassion and help wherever he could in the midst of terrible and desperate times and conditions. He couldn't fix it all, but he did what he could.
And isn't it even better to know that we are loved by a God and redeemed by a savior who can 'fix' all that is broken in our lives? Hmmm... another solid lesson of this year comes to mind. By 'fix,' I don't mean that all is miraculously changed and perfect... one thing that has become increasingly clear to me is that there are just some consequences of mistakes and sin that carry on through life even when forgiveness and redemption have been fully applied to them. That is just the nature of sin and consequence. That is why God warns us so strongly against it and why it hurts Him so when we don't listen.
SO, I'm hoping to listen better, love better, and live better in this new year... hmmm, guess that's my resolution. :)
Happy New Year to all!
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